Tag Archives: imagine

Imaginary Adele B-Sides

Adele was one of the biggest music artists of 2011. Her album, 21, was one of the top selling album and tracks like “Someone Like You” continue to get heavy rotation on stations. One could also measure Adele’s success by the number of renditions found on YouTube (Yes. Connie Talbot has covered Adele songs).

If you’re wondering what fans are drawn to, you’ll have to listen to not just music, but her lyrics. Sure she’s got a great voice that’s soulful, but what people are really connecting with is the heartbreaking story she’s telling. Is it possible that Adele has made other songs that just didn’t align with the rest of 21’s theme? After all, she’s only human. We can’t assume sadness is the only emotion she feels. There must be balance and after the critical acclaim and sales figures she’s received, we’d hope that money can buy a ounce of happiness, even if its just temporary/superficial.

We don’t know if including these tracks would have hurt 21’s appeal but they certainly would have changed the album’s tone dramatically:

Club anthem track

We all know that every hit track gets at least 3 club remixes that can turn even the biggest tear jerker into a booty shaker. But what if Adele had just released a track strictly for the clubs. It would obviously be produced by Redfoo and GoonRock (LMFAO) and feature Pitbull. Obligatory lines include mention of hanging out with he girlfriends (name dropping of course), guys trying to hit on her, her describing how unqualified the aforementioned individual(s) were, and getting tipsy from cocktails. Naturally her appearance would need to be a bit more colorful for the music video. If you’ve ever wondered what Adele might look like with green/purple highlights in her hair and a hoop nose ring, this video will present that version.  The male figure in the video would have to anatomically flawless, kind of like the guys in the late 90’s Britney Spears videos. Kudos if she ends the video by splashing a drink in the guy’s face while winking at us. After all, Ke$ha isn’t the only girl that knows how to have fun in a club.

 Teen angst song

Although Adele is amazing at telling stories of heartache, she’s also 23. She’s only a few years past the awkward years of teen love described so well by the likes of Avril Lavigne and Michelle Branch. I wonder if Adele ever had moments when she was boy crazy for the older 17 year old that rolled to school in a muscle car his dad and him worked on. Do you think Adele ever contemplated keying her ex’s car, flattening tires, or getting with her ex’s best friend? What about all the complex emotions of trying to fit in with all her classmates? I bet a lot of kids told her to pursue a more conventional career path like dentistry or marketing. Remember, no teen angst video would be complete without Adele sitting on staircase, looking to the side with a highly contemplative face.

Political/social commentary

With great power comes great responsibility. Adele has garnered much spotlight and this would be a great time to use her voice to promote a great cause. Imagine her voice belting a sweet tune about the end of war or reminding fans to think about parts of the world where the daily struggle is not coping with an unpredictable love life, but simply surviving harsh conditions like the tyranny of a ruthless dictator.

Perhaps another topic Adele could touch on is how the selfish motives of mankind will one day lead to the world’s inevitable implosion. Has anyone ever made a song about the inhumane working conditions of an electronics components factory? Now is the time.

Reasons Kobe Should Play Basketball For Italy


Kobe will be closer to Italian exotic cars makers like Maserati, Ferrari, and Lamborghini. It is already known that Kobe enjoys sports cars. He owns a Ferrari F430 and a 360 Modena. Being close to the automobile makers is like living near your favorite restaurant if you are a foodie.

A new motto

After making a flashy slam dunk, he can go “That’s one spicy meatball!”. Right now, he’s got too much American in him. Even though he was raised in Italy, his heart is with the Lakers. Once he’s re-immersed into the Italian culture, that thick Italian accent and the hand gestures will surely resurface. Speaking of food, haven’t we already imagined him spinning pizza dough like he would a basketball on his fingertips?

A new look

We’re all dreaming Kobe will grow a mustache and wear a plumbers suit to become a Mario brother. Being in Italy will legitimize that vision. After all, he already possesses the jumping ability.

The prodigal son factor

Everyone loves a prodigal son. If Kobe disappears, fans will either forget or fiendishly follow him. When he comes back, he’ll probably have gained new skills from a foreign culture and effectively become a more well rounded player.

An opportunity of playing soccer

Compared to the rest of the world, the United States isn’t exactly known for it’s soccer. Kobe stated that if he had stayed in Italy, he might have become a soccer player. Imagine if he were to live that dream. The world might have a new Bo Jackson.

Rekindle his marriage

Marriage takes a lot of work. Kobe Bryant’s had a rough start to his marriage because of sexual assault allegations. We all know Italy is one of the most romantic places on earth and being in Italy would definitely fan the flames of his love life with his beautiful wife, Vanessa.

Ron Artest Just Inspired Me To Change My Name

Ron Artest recently became Metta World Peace. The last time I checked, “World” wasn’t a common first name and “Peace” wasn’t a common last name. When it comes to middle names, it seems parents have unlimited options. Seeing how a friend recently gave his son the middle name “Ninja”, I’d say anything goes. Here are some names I’m thinking about starting a new life as.

Aaron Joshua Goldstein

I’ve recently become infatuated with Jewish girls and have this notion that many choose to only date men of the same religious background. There’s even a dating site dedicated to helping singles in the Jewish community find each other, jdate.com. Even though I’m Asian, I think my chances of dating a Jewish girl might be improved by changing my name to something that looks Jewish.

John Lee

Ever since I watched The Replacement Killers, I’ve been using “John Lee” as my forum registration name. It’s generic, which means my identity will be harder to trace. That’s very important if I WERE to live a secret life of a spy.

Sir Nigel Williams IV

I think every American fantasizes about being British. We do things like eat fish and chips, fixate on royal weddings, drink tea, and even wear football soccer jerseys. I would definitely need a Roman numeral suffix to convey a sense of pride in my bloodline. Having this name also entitles me to carry an excalibur in public in all 50 states.

Marc Wallberg

Wouldn’t it be interesting to share a name with someone that’s famous? I’ve always wanted to make a reservation or order a pizza and honestly give a name that makes the restaurant go “Wait… is this THE (celebrity name goes here)?” What if the person just assumed I was that person and gave me priority seating and outstanding service just based on the possibility of a great word of mouth review among my other imposter celebrity friends? I say we all deserve to be treated like kings and queens. Unfortunately, I haven’t figured out a game plan if  the restaurant puts two and two together after seeing “Mark Azali” on my credit card and not “Mark Wahlberg” and calls me out.

Kevin Amold

Sometimes the cleverest aliases are obscure references. This name was featured in one episode of The Wonder Years when a jeweler accidentally engraves Kevin’s name incorrectly. If you don’t recall, just check YouTube

Essential Elements of an Angry Birds Movie

If you own a smart phone or know someone that does, chances are you’ve played Angry Birds. Developed by Rovio, Angry Birds has become one of the most downloaded titles for both iOS and Android platforms. To help perpetuate it’s appeal, Rovio has even come out with variations of the game including  a holiday version and one tied with 20th Century Fox’s Rio. Fans can also buy Angry Birds merchandise. There’s even an unauthorized theme park in China. In fact, the game recently surpassed 350 million downloads. Now that Angry Birds has become a household name, isn’t it time we see the birds make a splash onto the silver screen?

Here are some essential elements Rovio should use in the motion picture.

Bullet time/slow motion

Angry Birds is all about projectile birds. The funny thing is the birds don’t flap their wings, they fly like cannon balls. The challenge of angry birds comes from having to aim with the right angle and strength. The concept is old fashioned like a slingshot but that doesn’t mean the movie has to be. The Angry Birds movie should definitely use bullet time scenes liberally within the movie and certainly in the trailer.

Assuming the movie will be done entirely on a computer, producers will have virtually unlimited liberties in the employment of special effects. Slow motion never gets old and it always works with action. That’s all there is to it.

Great voice actors

The face of Angry Birds is the red bird. As a ferocious bird on a vengeance to retrieve stolen eggs, the red bird MUST be voice acted by an individual that commands anger but still demands intellectual respect. Samuel L. Jackson would make an excellent voice actor for the red bird because everyone loves an angry Samuel L. Jackson. If it still doesn’t click for you, just watch Samuel L. Jackson recite Ezekiel 25:17 in Pulp Fiction.

Likewise, the antagonist  should possess a very sinister tone that fully embodies the audacity of stealing some animal’s eggs. My vote is for Jack Nicholson. Chances are there’s also an opportunity for a comic relief role and Russell Brand has the perfect voice for bringing the laughs to a well balanced movie.

A great score

The current theme song is cute and cuddly. That works for mobile devices which are relatively low fidelity. Fans will be paying more for a movie ticket than the cost of a game but limited to a 90 minute experience versus hundreds of lost work productivity hours. It’s only fair that the score be handled by greats like John Williams or Danny Elfman. There would definitely be overlap in viewers of the highly acclaimed The Social Network, but what payday would Trent Reznor be willing to compromise his artistic integrity for?

PG rating

There’s no way Angry Birds can receive a G rating due to its destructive/vengeful theme. Rating Angry Birds anything higher in maturity level than PG would be a mistake because it can only hit massive sales figures by appealing to families. If we were to entertain the idea of an R rated Angry Birds, possible warnings would include hard language (when the birds curse after missing targets or confronts those nasty pigs, who will certainly be vulgar), drug abuse (how else are the birds going to cope with the pain of all that collision with pain killers?), sex (there is strength in numbers aka reproduction).

A cliffhanger ending

We all know the best way to hook fans into an indefinite franchise is by keeping the story open. Just imagine if the birds recover eggs only to find out there aren’t actual birds incubating? Or what if the pigs don’t even exist like Tyler Durden? More importantly, a cliffhanger ending would help seal the deal for a blockbuster trilogy.

There aren’t many video game movies that live up to expectations of loyal fans.  Could it be the fundamental change from interactive entertainment to passive entertainment? Let’s hope Rovio does Angry Birds justice.

What Carly Foulkes Might Look Like On Other Carriers

When I  think of T-Mobile, there’s one thing that comes to mind. It’s not the phone or the services. It’s not even a “thing”. It’s Carly Foulkes.

Before Carly Foulkes became the “T-Mobile Girl”, T-Mobile tried to hock it’s product and services using Catherine Zeta Jones. This worked for a bit. I used to go “Hey. It’s Catherine Zeta Jones. I remember her from that one trailer of Entrapment and Zorro and… Um… Oh yeah! She’s with Michael Douglas, right? (Frown on face)”. I also remember going “Yeah. I would totally buy a phone if Catherine Zeta Jones tried pitching me a killer family plan at my doorstep and I don’t even have a family!”. But Catherine Zeta Jones was a familiar face. She brought baggage of her work. The brilliant minds at T-Mobile knew this and decided to show the world a new face: Carly Foulkes.

Carly Foulkes works because she’s fresh. I remember seeing her first commercial (no, I don’t remember the exact product/service) and going “Wow… Who the heck is that?!?”. I instantly googled “new T-Mobile girl” and discovered the name to my newest crush. Adjectives to describe Carly include: slender, brunette, adorable, the girl next door, perky, and Oh! She’s Canadian! Isn’t it great that T-Mobile decided to go beyond the borders of the country it was serving and find such a cutie? For those interested in catching a glimpse of her life behind the scenes, she even uses Twitter (@foulkescarly). Usually sporting white/magenta and heels in TV spots and bus posters, I wonder if Carly Foulkes recognized as often in public if wearing different color schemes.

Let’s imagine what Carly Foulkes would look like different if other carriers had nabbed her first


I think AT&T would take the hipster approach for Carley Foulkes. We all know AT&T was previously the exclusive carrier for the Apple iPhone which revolutionized the mobile handset industry. Although the exclusive deal is no longer a bragging right, AT&T still champions the iPhone more than any other of its other smartphone handset platforms (Android/Windows). The iPhone is pretty much THE phone to own for high school students, college students, recent graduates, gamers, and professionals that demand connectivity to social networks at all times. This is the kind of customers that can’t remember the last time they talked but texted their bestie while driving through a red light.

Hair: Carly Foulkes would probably trim her hair a bit. The longest it would be would be shoulder length. Carly might even be wearing a bob cut with bangs of course. Her hair would certainly be adorned with some type of accessory like a thin head band or whatever trendy thing the girls wear at Melrose/Silverlake. As far as hair care goes, it doesn’t need to look 100% professional. It will look great despite the fact it took only 5 minutes to brush. It’s even possible Carly Foulkes would be wearing a cabbie hat.

Face: Carly Foulkes would certainly be rocking plastic frame eyeglasses. This is a no-brainer. As far as earrings go, she might be wearing feathery type earrings (Natural of course. No synthetic colors).

Clothes: There are a ton of combinations for Carly Foulkes to chose from. Luckily, none of them have to be blue/orange since she’s going for a hip look. There’s no need to conform to a corporate palette! A cuffed long sleeve plaid top, suspenders, and jeans is one possibility. A different commercial might show Carly Foulkes in a stripped v-neck shirt (the v-neck helps expose a portion of the artistic ink she’s got), skirt, and patterned stockings. Shoes would definitely be wearing flats and never heals.

Other: Carly Foulkes would always enter the commercial on a single speed road bicycle


Verizon’s latest marketing campaigns are all about Android. Even though it also carriers the iPhone, Verizon is credited for making “droid” a term people use when they really should be saying “Android”. The commercials are always done in the key of Skynet with red and black. There’s nothing pretty about Verizon’s marketing campaign. In fact, it almost makes me scared that I’ll walk into a store one day and be served by robots instead of humans.

Hair: Carly Foulkes hair would be jet black or bright red. Either way, her hair would be slick (think Trinity from The Matrix).

Face: Pale. Her complexion would be extremely fair to convey she is void of emotion and her transformation to a robot is nearing. Carly Foulkes might also have some optic system on half of her face like a Borg from Star Trek.

Clothes: Her clothes would be tight black vinyl with accents of red. If Verizon decides to embrace the cyborg appeal, she might have a few limbs that are exoskeleton. Her shoes are obviously not modular. They are connected to her single peace armor/suit since all her thoughts are translated into bionic movement via a processing unit within the suit.

Other: If Verizon was smart, Carly Foulkes’ voice should stutter like Max Headroom.


Sprint is the unexciting underdog of the four major carriers. It doesn’t really have much personality right? When you think of Sprint, you think of value service. We all hoped the Palm Pre would make a triumphant splash in the mobile handset market but things just didn’t pan out that way. Sprint has definitely become good buddies with Android handset makers, but there isn’t anything distinct about the way they show off products. As such, this becomes the most challenging carrier to work with in this.

Hair: Carly Foulkes’ hair would be normal yet professional. It might be in a bun or ponytail.

Face: Minimal makeup. Foulkes won’t be dolled up, but luckily she doesn’t need any since she’s probably a 10 even in the morning of any remote camping trip. If there’s anything on her lips, it’s just a pinch of lip balm

Clothes: Her clothes aren’t from a thrift shop (AT&T) or made by an engineer (Verizon). They’re bought from a mall or Target. They fit fine and evoke feelings of highly accessible platonic friendship. The colors are safe and inconspicuous. If she’s wearing a skirt/dress, she’ll wear plain stockings to appear professional and non-threatening.


Things Steve Jobs Can Resume Working On

I hope you guys didn’t think we forgot to give some thought on the recent announcement that Steve Jobs is no longer wearing a CEO hat at Apple. There are plenty of sites on the interwebs discussing his accomplishments. He’s certainly paid his dues and now that he’ll have some extra time on his hands, he can get back to working on fun personal projects that might include the following:


Steve Jobs has been serving 1st world countries for years but now he can start a respectable patent-free trend of making the rest of the planet happy. Most of the world, especially those ravished by natural disasters, don’t care about high resolution screens, faster processors, Instagram, or 4G. The top priority on these folks’ minds is not checking the latest product rumors/leaks; it’s getting a meal. iFood is a revolutionary service that literally originates in the cloud. By the power of Apple magic, crates of delicious gourmet meals will fall from the sky to those who need it the most. Imagine a world where you can order a meal like this delivered via parachute and purchased at an affordable price through iTunes:Appetizer: Zuppa Toscano (that potato soup from Olive Garden)
Main course: Butternut squash ravioli
Dessert: Choco Taco

Have special dietary needs? Don’t worry! There’s a vegan/kosher version of that meal and it tastes identical!

Progress: 25%


Travel can be such a hassle. We’re so confined to the schedules and fluctuating fares of airlines, trains, buses, etc.. Jobs recognizes this and will somehow redefine the way we travel. It may not be teleportation or a maglev train we’ve all been dreaming of in America. Maybe it’ll be a jet pack similar to the Rocketeer’s. Of course it will have to be much slimmer and made of a combination of brush aluminum and glass. You might have some qualified concerns about how this is possible. Don’t forget though, it’s Steve Jobs.

Progress: 10%


Steve Jobs doesn’t like adult content on phones. We all know that just means he is obsessed with adult content. Jobs knows there are some things in life you can’t buy, so why not just create it? Have you ever wondered what an intelligent, 1/2 Korean, 1/4 Dutch, 1/8 Mexican, 1/8 Moroccan, 5’6″ girl who wants to do nothing else except please you mentally and physically might look like? Jobs is working on a device that will answer that question. Don’t worry, you can still customize her hair color and she’ll even switch accents using a swipe gesture.

Progress: 72%


When he’s gone, it’s important that Steve Job’s legacy not only feel alive, but also appear alive. Like every genius before him, Steve Jobs’ last efforts will be focused on creating an illusion that he is still hard at work. It’s impossible for anyone to know their “date”, but one thing’s certain: the iPhone 100s (or whatever it’s called ~96 years from now) will unmistakably have Steve Job’s magical signature

Progress: 90%