Author Archives: Mark Azali

About Mark Azali

A simple search on google will help you understand what Mark Azali is all about. He loves talking with random people at conventions, Google Plus, and twitter. Besides entertainment, he has an unusual obsession with starchy foods. Follow him and discover just how crazy he is: @notjohnlee (Yes. That's a reference to The Replacement Killers)

Discover More Discovery Content on Netflix

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Hopefully the loss of Starz didn’t prompt all of you to drop Netflix. If you stayed, however, all you loyal, information junkie  subscribers have something new to gloat about. Earlier today, Netflix and Discovery Communications announced a two-year non-exclusive deal to give Netflix subscribers access to prior-season series content. The deal includes content from Discovery, TLC, Animal Planet, Investigation Discovery, Science and Military Channel.

If you’re one of those types that’s more familiar with titles than actual channels, this means hits like Man vs. Wild, Say Yes to the Dress, and River Monsters are all in tow.

So if you’re tired of fantasy or the overwhelming volume of of unqualified reality television show personalities explaining the world from their tainted perspective, why not put that thinking cap on and actually learn something from the folks that brought you sights like lions chasing wildebeest?

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Ron Artest Just Inspired Me To Change My Name

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Ron Artest recently became Metta World Peace. The last time I checked, “World” wasn’t a common first name and “Peace” wasn’t a common last name. When it comes to middle names, it seems parents have unlimited options. Seeing how a friend recently gave his son the middle name “Ninja”, I’d say anything goes. Here are some names I’m thinking about starting a new life as.

Aaron Joshua Goldstein

I’ve recently become infatuated with Jewish girls and have this notion that many choose to only date men of the same religious background. There’s even a dating site dedicated to helping singles in the Jewish community find each other, jdate.com. Even though I’m Asian, I think my chances of dating a Jewish girl might be improved by changing my name to something that looks Jewish.

John Lee


Ever since I watched The Replacement Killers, I’ve been using “John Lee” as my forum registration name. It’s generic, which means my identity will be harder to trace. That’s very important if I WERE to live a secret life of a spy.

Sir Nigel Williams IV

I think every American fantasizes about being British. We do things like eat fish and chips, fixate on royal weddings, drink tea, and even wear football soccer jerseys. I would definitely need a Roman numeral suffix to convey a sense of pride in my bloodline. Having this name also entitles me to carry an excalibur in public in all 50 states.

Marc Wallberg

Wouldn’t it be interesting to share a name with someone that’s famous? I’ve always wanted to make a reservation or order a pizza and honestly give a name that makes the restaurant go “Wait… is this THE (celebrity name goes here)?” What if the person just assumed I was that person and gave me priority seating and outstanding service just based on the possibility of a great word of mouth review among my other imposter celebrity friends? I say we all deserve to be treated like kings and queens. Unfortunately, I haven’t figured out a game plan if  the restaurant puts two and two together after seeing “Mark Azali” on my credit card and not “Mark Wahlberg” and calls me out.

Kevin Amold

Sometimes the cleverest aliases are obscure references. This name was featured in one episode of The Wonder Years when a jeweler accidentally engraves Kevin’s name incorrectly. If you don’t recall, just check YouTube

Essential Elements of an Angry Birds Movie

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If you own a smart phone or know someone that does, chances are you’ve played Angry Birds. Developed by Rovio, Angry Birds has become one of the most downloaded titles for both iOS and Android platforms. To help perpetuate it’s appeal, Rovio has even come out with variations of the game including  a holiday version and one tied with 20th Century Fox’s Rio. Fans can also buy Angry Birds merchandise. There’s even an unauthorized theme park in China. In fact, the game recently surpassed 350 million downloads. Now that Angry Birds has become a household name, isn’t it time we see the birds make a splash onto the silver screen?

Here are some essential elements Rovio should use in the motion picture.

Bullet time/slow motion

Angry Birds is all about projectile birds. The funny thing is the birds don’t flap their wings, they fly like cannon balls. The challenge of angry birds comes from having to aim with the right angle and strength. The concept is old fashioned like a slingshot but that doesn’t mean the movie has to be. The Angry Birds movie should definitely use bullet time scenes liberally within the movie and certainly in the trailer.

Assuming the movie will be done entirely on a computer, producers will have virtually unlimited liberties in the employment of special effects. Slow motion never gets old and it always works with action. That’s all there is to it.

Great voice actors

The face of Angry Birds is the red bird. As a ferocious bird on a vengeance to retrieve stolen eggs, the red bird MUST be voice acted by an individual that commands anger but still demands intellectual respect. Samuel L. Jackson would make an excellent voice actor for the red bird because everyone loves an angry Samuel L. Jackson. If it still doesn’t click for you, just watch Samuel L. Jackson recite Ezekiel 25:17 in Pulp Fiction.

Likewise, the antagonist  should possess a very sinister tone that fully embodies the audacity of stealing some animal’s eggs. My vote is for Jack Nicholson. Chances are there’s also an opportunity for a comic relief role and Russell Brand has the perfect voice for bringing the laughs to a well balanced movie.

A great score

The current theme song is cute and cuddly. That works for mobile devices which are relatively low fidelity. Fans will be paying more for a movie ticket than the cost of a game but limited to a 90 minute experience versus hundreds of lost work productivity hours. It’s only fair that the score be handled by greats like John Williams or Danny Elfman. There would definitely be overlap in viewers of the highly acclaimed The Social Network, but what payday would Trent Reznor be willing to compromise his artistic integrity for?

PG rating

There’s no way Angry Birds can receive a G rating due to its destructive/vengeful theme. Rating Angry Birds anything higher in maturity level than PG would be a mistake because it can only hit massive sales figures by appealing to families. If we were to entertain the idea of an R rated Angry Birds, possible warnings would include hard language (when the birds curse after missing targets or confronts those nasty pigs, who will certainly be vulgar), drug abuse (how else are the birds going to cope with the pain of all that collision with pain killers?), sex (there is strength in numbers aka reproduction).

A cliffhanger ending

We all know the best way to hook fans into an indefinite franchise is by keeping the story open. Just imagine if the birds recover eggs only to find out there aren’t actual birds incubating? Or what if the pigs don’t even exist like Tyler Durden? More importantly, a cliffhanger ending would help seal the deal for a blockbuster trilogy.

There aren’t many video game movies that live up to expectations of loyal fans.  Could it be the fundamental change from interactive entertainment to passive entertainment? Let’s hope Rovio does Angry Birds justice.

Ben & Jerry’s Wants You To Try Their Schweddy Balls

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Alec Baldwin is one of the finest actors of our times. His range is limitless and he’s managed to sustain a career that seems to only get better with age. In addition to a multitude of awards, Alec Baldwin has also become one of Saturday Night Live’s favorite guests. When fans think of Alec Baldwin, one skit certainly comes to mind: Schweddy Balls. The Schweddy Balls skit is to Alec Baldwin what Jeopardy is to Will Ferrell.

In this skit, Alec Baldwin plays Pete Schweddy, a guest on an NPR show, The Delicious Dish, where he talks about his signature holiday dish, Schweddy Balls. The skit, approximately 6 minutes, is a giant exercise in the use of sexual innuendos that would make Michael Scott wet his pants.

The ice cream is described by Ben & Jerry’s as “Fair Trade vanilla ice cream with a hint of rum and is loaded with fudge covered rum and milk chocolate malt balls”. Be sure to grab a pint while they’re around for a limited time!

The skit continues to hold mind share in fans of the show despite the fact it aired over 10 years ago. If you’re unfamiliar, be prepared to laugh. Do NOT attempt to watch this while drinking coffee or operating heavy machinery:

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What Carly Foulkes Might Look Like On Other Carriers

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When I  think of T-Mobile, there’s one thing that comes to mind. It’s not the phone or the services. It’s not even a “thing”. It’s Carly Foulkes.

Before Carly Foulkes became the “T-Mobile Girl”, T-Mobile tried to hock it’s product and services using Catherine Zeta Jones. This worked for a bit. I used to go “Hey. It’s Catherine Zeta Jones. I remember her from that one trailer of Entrapment and Zorro and… Um… Oh yeah! She’s with Michael Douglas, right? (Frown on face)”. I also remember going “Yeah. I would totally buy a phone if Catherine Zeta Jones tried pitching me a killer family plan at my doorstep and I don’t even have a family!”. But Catherine Zeta Jones was a familiar face. She brought baggage of her work. The brilliant minds at T-Mobile knew this and decided to show the world a new face: Carly Foulkes.

Carly Foulkes works because she’s fresh. I remember seeing her first commercial (no, I don’t remember the exact product/service) and going “Wow… Who the heck is that?!?”. I instantly googled “new T-Mobile girl” and discovered the name to my newest crush. Adjectives to describe Carly include: slender, brunette, adorable, the girl next door, perky, and Oh! She’s Canadian! Isn’t it great that T-Mobile decided to go beyond the borders of the country it was serving and find such a cutie? For those interested in catching a glimpse of her life behind the scenes, she even uses Twitter (@foulkescarly). Usually sporting white/magenta and heels in TV spots and bus posters, I wonder if Carly Foulkes recognized as often in public if wearing different color schemes.

Let’s imagine what Carly Foulkes would look like different if other carriers had nabbed her first

A&T

I think AT&T would take the hipster approach for Carley Foulkes. We all know AT&T was previously the exclusive carrier for the Apple iPhone which revolutionized the mobile handset industry. Although the exclusive deal is no longer a bragging right, AT&T still champions the iPhone more than any other of its other smartphone handset platforms (Android/Windows). The iPhone is pretty much THE phone to own for high school students, college students, recent graduates, gamers, and professionals that demand connectivity to social networks at all times. This is the kind of customers that can’t remember the last time they talked but texted their bestie while driving through a red light.

Hair: Carly Foulkes would probably trim her hair a bit. The longest it would be would be shoulder length. Carly might even be wearing a bob cut with bangs of course. Her hair would certainly be adorned with some type of accessory like a thin head band or whatever trendy thing the girls wear at Melrose/Silverlake. As far as hair care goes, it doesn’t need to look 100% professional. It will look great despite the fact it took only 5 minutes to brush. It’s even possible Carly Foulkes would be wearing a cabbie hat.

Face: Carly Foulkes would certainly be rocking plastic frame eyeglasses. This is a no-brainer. As far as earrings go, she might be wearing feathery type earrings (Natural of course. No synthetic colors).

Clothes: There are a ton of combinations for Carly Foulkes to chose from. Luckily, none of them have to be blue/orange since she’s going for a hip look. There’s no need to conform to a corporate palette! A cuffed long sleeve plaid top, suspenders, and jeans is one possibility. A different commercial might show Carly Foulkes in a stripped v-neck shirt (the v-neck helps expose a portion of the artistic ink she’s got), skirt, and patterned stockings. Shoes would definitely be wearing flats and never heals.

Other: Carly Foulkes would always enter the commercial on a single speed road bicycle

Verizon

Verizon’s latest marketing campaigns are all about Android. Even though it also carriers the iPhone, Verizon is credited for making “droid” a term people use when they really should be saying “Android”. The commercials are always done in the key of Skynet with red and black. There’s nothing pretty about Verizon’s marketing campaign. In fact, it almost makes me scared that I’ll walk into a store one day and be served by robots instead of humans.

Hair: Carly Foulkes hair would be jet black or bright red. Either way, her hair would be slick (think Trinity from The Matrix).

Face: Pale. Her complexion would be extremely fair to convey she is void of emotion and her transformation to a robot is nearing. Carly Foulkes might also have some optic system on half of her face like a Borg from Star Trek.

Clothes: Her clothes would be tight black vinyl with accents of red. If Verizon decides to embrace the cyborg appeal, she might have a few limbs that are exoskeleton. Her shoes are obviously not modular. They are connected to her single peace armor/suit since all her thoughts are translated into bionic movement via a processing unit within the suit.

Other: If Verizon was smart, Carly Foulkes’ voice should stutter like Max Headroom.

Sprint

Sprint is the unexciting underdog of the four major carriers. It doesn’t really have much personality right? When you think of Sprint, you think of value service. We all hoped the Palm Pre would make a triumphant splash in the mobile handset market but things just didn’t pan out that way. Sprint has definitely become good buddies with Android handset makers, but there isn’t anything distinct about the way they show off products. As such, this becomes the most challenging carrier to work with in this.

Hair: Carly Foulkes’ hair would be normal yet professional. It might be in a bun or ponytail.

Face: Minimal makeup. Foulkes won’t be dolled up, but luckily she doesn’t need any since she’s probably a 10 even in the morning of any remote camping trip. If there’s anything on her lips, it’s just a pinch of lip balm

Clothes: Her clothes aren’t from a thrift shop (AT&T) or made by an engineer (Verizon). They’re bought from a mall or Target. They fit fine and evoke feelings of highly accessible platonic friendship. The colors are safe and inconspicuous. If she’s wearing a skirt/dress, she’ll wear plain stockings to appear professional and non-threatening.

 

Activision Celeberates Modern Warfare 3 With Inaugural Call of Duty XP Event (UPDATED: Now with VIDEO)

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Activision held it’s inaugural Call of Duty XP event, which was a 2 day event for gamers and fans of the series to connect through activities beyond gaming. Located within a large hangar in Playa Vista, California, fans were treated to various activities including:

  • Hands-on gaming booths for all recent games in the series: Modern Warfare 2, World at War, Black Ops, Call of Duty 4, and of course Modern Warfare 3. Since this event was sponsored by Xbox 360, there were no Playstation 3’s on site.
  • $1,000,000 tournament
  • 2012 Jeep Wrangler course
  • Two paintball gun maps: Pit (Modern Warfare 2) and Scrapyard (Modern Warfare 2). I only made it in time for one of the maps, Scrapyard, but had a blast! This was my absolute first experience with a paintball gun. Even though I played defensive and stayed close to the base (Domination mode), I was able to score some great hits against the other team. The best part is that the guns looked like real arms (I had an M4). They provided 140 rounds, a mask, vest, and a jumpsuit. You get the keep the jumpsuit, which is great if you’re able to keep it spotless or in one piece. I probably should have worn tennis shoes rather than boots. Luckily I didn’t leave with any welts which is something I can’t say for other players.
  • Burger Town: yup. Haven’t you always wanted to taste what this Burger King parody has to offer. Apparently if you asked for “Special Sauce” they’d give you a shirt! They ran out when we tried though 🙁
  • Face painting. Get your “Ghost” on or choose from a folder of possible face paint options.
  • A sumo fighting ring
  • Black Ops cover art picture booth. This one was very addictive! Pose with a rifle or 2 pistols, recreating the Black Ops cover art with whatever goofy gangster pose you can come up with.
  • Zip line. This was one of the activities I wish I had done and taken video of doing.
  • Tons of free experimental Mountain Dew samples. I don’t think anyone turned into a zombie yet, right?
  • A gift bag containing a poster, Doritos and oh yeah… a redeemable code for Modern Warfare 3 Hardened Edition! Considering entrance was $150, this was definitely a lovely treat. Since the redemption page required an address and NOT a gamer tag, I’m guessing Activision is sending hard copies of the game?
  • Live sets by Dropkick Murphy’s (September 2) and Kanye West (September 3). As one of the biggest names in music entertainment, I can only imagine how much of a pay day for Kanye West this was. Since I only went on Saturday, I can’t comment on the Dropkick Murphy’s set. For Kanye West, however, I was expecting a small set. As I waited with thousands of others, watching the stage slowly take shape, I quickly realized the large hangar was hardly enough to contain the level of theatrics that I would soon witness. Kudos to Kanye West and Activision for pulling this off. While hardly related to gaming, this show added tremendous value to the seemingly high entrance cost. If you were dedicated enough or wait early, you could definitely get a pit level equivalent view. Kanye West did nearly all of his hit singles and that’s lots (I wish he did “Heard ‘Em Say”). Kanye West had 3 acts filled with high energy, laser lighting, and many dancers (Think classy like Cirque Du Soleil/ballet). I wonder what the Dropkick Murphy’s show was like. Check out the pics below.

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UPDATE: Here’s some video of Kanye West’s performance

Charlie’s Angels versus Pan Am

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Fall 2011 offers many new shows for TV watchers. Two ABC shows have caught my attention as they both revolve around the adventures of a group of girls. Since life is crazy and time is money, are either of these shows worth your time and emotional investment? You COULD watch both and do a weekly analysis, but how about I just settle things right now with my thoughts on which show will have your heart thumping more.

Charlie’s Angels (Thursday, September 22, 2011)

Once upon a time, Charlie’s Angel was a series on TV. It had a run for 4 seasons and is STILL referenced whenever people think of a group of sassy, formidable vixens.  Nearly two decades later, the franchise returned to fans on the silver screen not once, but twice. Both films did well for their studios and helped launch the career of McG. I wouldn’t hold my breath on the return of Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu, and Drew Barrymore for a third installment, but is anyone clamoring for the return of Charlie’s Angels to TV?

Production

The show is stamped with Drew Barrymore’s seal of approval as an executive producer. That’s pretty big, right? Barrymore has quite a resume in Hollywood for work both in front and behind the camera and she actually seems to be getting HOTTER (have you guys seen those Covergirl commercials?!?). Her last producer credit is “Whip It”, which I rather enjoyed. She obviously knows how to an all-girl ensemble work, but making a show is tough! In this age, first impressions (ratings) are crucial in surviving.

The show is set in Miami which means there will be drugs, gangs, half-naked women, hurricanes, boats, and dolphins; the list goes on. Such a colorful town sets the right tone for a fun, modern television action series. Plus, even IF the show jumps the shark, there’s always a sweet opportunity to make a crossover episode with CSI! Imagine a story where Lt. Horatio Caine kidnaps Bosley and discovers he is actually a bastard step-brother!

Cast

Annie Illonzeh (left) plays Kate Prince, the former Miami cop. FORMER cop?!? Oh no!!!! What could she have possibly done to get kicked out? You mean, we’re supposed to trust a girl who swore to uphold the law but possibly broke it? Maybe she got framed! Yes… because there’s no such thing as a bad cop that ends up being a protagonist. Remember guys: Ray Liotta. He’s ALWAYS the bad cop, right? Regardless, this show looks like a pretty good opportunity for fans of Annie Illonzeh’s role in Melrose Place and Entourage to follow her in a new role. Go Texas! (That’s where she’s from)

Minka Kelly (right) plays Eve French, the street racer. Do you guys think she was named Eve because she’s the hot sauce in the group who ate the apple first in the garden of Eden? I also really hope the producers required she learn how to drive a manual transmission. I don’t care which car maker is doing product placement in the show. If there isn’t a cut where she’s shifting gears, this show is OVER! Eve French appears to be the alpha in the show and this just in: Minka Kelly is single!!! I wonder if she broke up with Derek Jeter because he was jealous she was on set having so much fun partying, shooting guns, and driving fast cars while he and the rest of the MLB was getting tested for steroids.

Rachael Taylor (middle) is Abigail “Abby” Sampson, the thief. Think about it. She steals things and that probably means she’ll be the one that will unexpectedly take your heart! Awww.  Born in 1984, she’s also the youngest of the bunch too. ABC fans will recognize Rachael Taylor from her role in Grey’s Anatomy where she played an OB/GYN surgeon. I wonder if she will inspire girls across the globe to become sneaky little heartbreaking kleptomaniacs.

Oh. I’ll also be REALLY disappointed if there isn’t at least one scene in every episode where one or all of them are dancing.

Source: ABC

Pan Am (Sunday, September 25, 2011)

“You’re so beautiful. You could be an air hostess in the ’60’s”

– Flight of the Conchords

Pan Am takes place during the 1960’s, which also happens to be the same time period of one of my recent obsessions, Mad Men. That means viewers will be even offered more insight to a beloved era that seems to be trending (e.g. The Playboy Club). Since the show focuses on an airline, it’s safe to assume there will literally be a world of settings to choose from.

Production

ER writer, Jack Orman and West Wing director, Thomas Schlamme have the opportunity to appeal to a different audience with Pan Am. While Charlie’s Angel may tug at the hearts of fantasy loving action fans, trailers of Pan Am hint creators will be appealing to fans who dream of a work place that’s also a forum to self-discovery, romance, and certainly a few entries into the mile high club. With a legendary brand in tow, the show will definitely evoke nostalgia among baby boomers.

Cast

Christina Ricci (third) appears to the strong supporting role of Maggie. Christini Ricci has a special place in my heart. If I’m not mistaken, my crush on Christina Ricci originated from Casper. There’s just something about her that projects a real person in any role she’s in, even if it’s Wednesday from Addams Family. Since then, she’s gone onto various roles in different genres establishing herself as an actress with range. As far as her role goes, we don’t know much about Maggie from the trailers except she appears to be assertive and the mastermind of the group.

Kelli Garner (first) plays Kate. I’m going to GUESS and say she’s the one that’s trying to prove her worth to the world. She won’t be taken advantage of. She wants to be treated as an equal. She wants a deep monogamous relationship.

Margot Robbie (second) plays Laura. In the trailer, we see Laura as a runaway bride. She might be the naive, unassuming character that needed an eye opening experience of being a stewardess the most. Laura is the new girl we connect with as viewers, distant and unfamiliar with the world she will soon discover. I also get the feeling that she’s the girl that other girls will envy, completely unaware of all the men that see her as an object of desire.

Karine Vanasse (forth) is Colette. I’m going to be honest: I might watch the show JUST for her. She interjects throughout the trailer with clever one-liners and has already peaked my interest with her foreign appeal: she’s French Canadian. She doesn’t need to be the lead but her beauty will be what you remember the most from each episode. Her perky smile is innocent but has the power to cause men to twist their wedding band back  and forth in confusion.

Source: ABC

And the winner is…

Wait… isn’t there supposed to be a winner? They’re both on ABC! From a network point of view, they BOTH CAN be winners. As an action show, Charlie’s Angel HAS to be explosive right out the gate. That’s what what viewers are expecting: fun. Pan Am will certainly need time to develop and let viewers slowly but surely realize an obsession to an era they once belonged to or wish they could have lived in. They appeal to different audiences and can coexist with the possibility of overlapping viewers.

One question still remains though: how do we get white gloves to be a trendy fashion?

Things Steve Jobs Can Resume Working On

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I hope you guys didn’t think we forgot to give some thought on the recent announcement that Steve Jobs is no longer wearing a CEO hat at Apple. There are plenty of sites on the interwebs discussing his accomplishments. He’s certainly paid his dues and now that he’ll have some extra time on his hands, he can get back to working on fun personal projects that might include the following:

iFood

Steve Jobs has been serving 1st world countries for years but now he can start a respectable patent-free trend of making the rest of the planet happy. Most of the world, especially those ravished by natural disasters, don’t care about high resolution screens, faster processors, Instagram, or 4G. The top priority on these folks’ minds is not checking the latest product rumors/leaks; it’s getting a meal. iFood is a revolutionary service that literally originates in the cloud. By the power of Apple magic, crates of delicious gourmet meals will fall from the sky to those who need it the most. Imagine a world where you can order a meal like this delivered via parachute and purchased at an affordable price through iTunes:Appetizer: Zuppa Toscano (that potato soup from Olive Garden)
Main course: Butternut squash ravioli
Dessert: Choco Taco

Have special dietary needs? Don’t worry! There’s a vegan/kosher version of that meal and it tastes identical!

Progress: 25%

iTravel

Travel can be such a hassle. We’re so confined to the schedules and fluctuating fares of airlines, trains, buses, etc.. Jobs recognizes this and will somehow redefine the way we travel. It may not be teleportation or a maglev train we’ve all been dreaming of in America. Maybe it’ll be a jet pack similar to the Rocketeer’s. Of course it will have to be much slimmer and made of a combination of brush aluminum and glass. You might have some qualified concerns about how this is possible. Don’t forget though, it’s Steve Jobs.

Progress: 10%

iPerson

Steve Jobs doesn’t like adult content on phones. We all know that just means he is obsessed with adult content. Jobs knows there are some things in life you can’t buy, so why not just create it? Have you ever wondered what an intelligent, 1/2 Korean, 1/4 Dutch, 1/8 Mexican, 1/8 Moroccan, 5’6″ girl who wants to do nothing else except please you mentally and physically might look like? Jobs is working on a device that will answer that question. Don’t worry, you can still customize her hair color and she’ll even switch accents using a swipe gesture.

Progress: 72%

i2Pac

When he’s gone, it’s important that Steve Job’s legacy not only feel alive, but also appear alive. Like every genius before him, Steve Jobs’ last efforts will be focused on creating an illusion that he is still hard at work. It’s impossible for anyone to know their “date”, but one thing’s certain: the iPhone 100s (or whatever it’s called ~96 years from now) will unmistakably have Steve Job’s magical signature

Progress: 90%

How to Survive a Taylor Swift “Speak Now” Concert

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I just got back from a Taylor Swift concert at the Staples Center. I didn’t actually plan on going but decided to support a friend who’s friends turned out to be flakier than me. Here are a few tips you should know if you’re going to a Taylor Swift show

Take care of your body

Get off work early. The earlier you get there, the more time you have to comfortably enjoy a meal. Grab a $5 foot long sandwich from Subway and load it with veggies. You’ll be standing on your feet for 3+ hours so eating right before the show will ensure you have the energy just in case you get too comfortable and decide to rest during one of her outfit changes. Buy a Frappuccino. You’ve probably lost sleep the night before wondering what tracks she’ll play and in what order. Also stretch. You wouldn’t want to hurt your neck while tracking Taylor Swift as she’s floating around on a 3’x3′ platform for her closing song.

Understand the audience

Remember age is just a number. The tween with braces who’s accompanied with her parents, the 3 bros that are wearing matching shirts with custom messages declaring their love for Taylor Swift, the recent MBA graduate who decided that separate seats from her friends wasn’t a deal breaker: they’re all like you. You all understand the emotions of longing and heartache.

Do mark your skin or clothing with “13”. Every TRUE Taylor Swift fan will have this emblem stamped on their body somewhere. If you don’t have one, you’re obviously seeing her for the first time and not going to be singing along to songs that weren’t aired on the radio.

Don’t forget that declaring your love for Taylor Swift is most effective when done in high volume (quantity and decibel). The chances of her hearing your distinct message from hundreds of feet away are certainly much more slim if you’re doing it alone. Go with a group who understands this or join another group.

Covers

Study the lyrics to songs she’ll cover: Gwen Stefani – Sweet Escape, Justin Bieber – Baby, The Beach Boys – God Only Knows. When she does these songs, you want to look like a cultured fan who knows her range. Singing along to covers will definitely give you the necessary credibility to talk to  fellow fans at the show. When Justin Bieber shows up on stage, don’t be offended. You can’t like one and hate the other. Trust me, Bieber fans definitely hope Taylor Swift makes a cameo at the next show they go to.

Understand the career path of a pop artist

Haters  always go “Dude. I hate that she’s so popular now. These $30 Ticketmaster fees suck!”. Taylor Swift blew up, deal with it. Do you honestly think that her talents should be limited to a small corner in a coffee shop? Of course not! Her lyrics can only be realized through the magic of theatrics, giant high definition monitors, pyrotechnics, dancers, and moving platforms.

Charge your phone/camera battery

This one is a no-brainer. You’re not a true fan unless you post status updates/tweet about what songs Taylor Swift is singing so all your closet fan friends can feel like they’re there with you. Network coverage will be sparse, so be sure to post carefully and not waste everyone’s time with messages like “Taylor Swift looks soooo good in purple and a ponytail”. When that exclusive live cover happens, you’ll have two options: call your good friend who will appreciate hearing it over a cell phone the most or be the quickest to alert all your social network friends. No one wants to be the last to break news like “Dude, she just mixed in a little Mraz into one of her songs”.

Prepare a defense

You will undoubtedly shock some friends. When they ask you how much you paid and why you went to a Taylor Swift concert if it wasn’t a date, just respond: “Whatever. I wanted to diversify my musical taste. Plus, she’s really great live! I listened to the album and she’s DEFINITELY better live. Oh… She also plays guitar AND piano. That means she’s a true musician” Remind them you were the first in your group to listen to dub-step, loved the Black Eyed Peas when they were just 3 dudes, and were listening to Arcade Fire before they garnered critical acclaim and awards.

My Man Crush on Don Draper

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Television series have a double edged sword when it comes to character development: every episode presents the opportunity/challenge of developing a character. Remind the viewers why they love OR hate a character and they’ll keep coming back.

I’m barely finishing Season 1 of AMC’s Mad Men and am having trouble thinking of another male lead in television that I’ve been so attracted to. A lot of guys would suggest Jack Bauer (from Fox’s 24 series) as the ideal male character to vicariously live through. Bauer represents many of the adolescent fantasies one could conjure up: firing guns, pounding faces with our bare hands, and making things explode all for the sake of protecting the United States. Although Don Draper doesn’t have as many action scenes as Bauer, they both are a vessel for a multitude of issues and inner demons. Here’s a list of qualities for Don Draper, that I’ve become rather infatuated with.

(Note, if you haven't seen season 1, then there are spoilers)

Looks

Mad Men takes place in the 60’s. If there ever was an era that produced respectable fashion that stands the test of time, it’s the 60’s. Guys just look like such gentlemen with their skinny neckties/bows, perfectly cut, pressed suits, plastic/horn-rimmed glasses. Compared to the rest of the male cast on Mad Men, Draper, in particular, grabs your attention. Is it just a coincidence he also has the nicest hair in the show?

Jon Hamm, who plays Don Draper, has hit the big 40, but I could definitely see him as a great candidate for Superman. If there ever was a modern advertisement for cigarettes, this show would be it. At times, I think the show should include a warning that cigarette addiction can occur from watching it. One time, I had a moment where I was holding a screw in my hand and caught myself holding it between two fingers like a cigarette.

Most importantly, the show has redefined how I measure success: if I don’t have a stack of fresh shirts in my desk drawer, I have not made it.

Power

Who couldn’t use a little more pull? Professionally, he’s THE guy who’s opinion matters the most. In any meeting, there could be 10 other guys chiming in with advertising thoughts on how to sell a product, but in the end, it’s Draper’s opinion that hooks the client. His ability to seduce initially unimpressed prospective clients never fails to be fascinating. Beg to differ? Opposing his opinion most certainly makes you an enemy (Pete Campbell). The key to his power is also the fact he almost never feels threatened. Control is everything

Issues

If I’m being honest with myself, I think my the biggest draw of Don Draper is how much of a mess he is and we all know everyone loves looking at a train wreck. Draper represents the American dream of rags to riches formula with a generous pinch of self-destructive crazy. Let’s review what we know of him so far:

  • He’s a bastard: I can only imagine how big the chip on my shoulder would be if I was also a bastard child. Being a mistake never feels good, ESPECIALLY if you’re, literally, the son of a whore.
  • He changed his identity while serving in the Korean War. Um yeah… who does that? Who goes “I just saw my superior get blown apart. Wow! This corpse is super toasty and gooey. Oh hey, look; his dog tag is still in tact. Score!”?
  • He made eye contact with his half-brother while faking his death and denied him.

Don Draper is clearly a sex addict. He demonstrates how married men can have their cake and eat it too. Any pretty women that crosses his path are not safe from his charm and insatiable appetite for sex. Even after he’s done gallivanting during office hours, he’s still the man of the house at home.

If you were to look at the cast without seeing an episode you’d probably go “Wow. He’s married to January Jones! What a lucky guy. How could he possibly want to cheat on her?”. Well… Just watch the show, you’ll see how. Having sex with women appears to be as addictive to Draper as the cigarettes he smokes. If you haven’t figured out how Don Draper’s mind works when it comes to women, here’s the formula: if he finds you attractive, he WILL have sex with you.

Sigh.

A Look At Cosplay Fans (Los Angeles Anime Expo 2011)

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This year, I attended my first Anime Expo at the Los Angeles Convention Center. I had a brief love affair with anime during high school but I have since been a bit out of touch with the latest franchises and hottest series. The wonderful thing about expos is that there really are no qualifications into getting in besides your ticket and an open mind. One can visit to see characters they love have developed or discover and fall in love with new ones. The Los Angeles Anime Expo is North America’s biggest convention that caters to hardcore fans and recent converts alike. One of the distinct features of an anime expo is that the show isn’t just made up of vendors, publishers, and creators. The fans play a huge role in creating a world that attendees are transported to once they enter the building and sky’s the limit when it comes to how far some fans will go to express how much much they love the genre.

Here are some things I discovered while at the Anime Expo, watching and talking to cosplay fans

Disconnect from reality

Anime has a huge following but relative to live action, it’s fan base is still considered minor. When you think about it, anime isn’t very different. It’s all about story telling. Unlike western cartoons and animation, there’s an anime series for every genre one could ask for: sci-fi, love, action, adventure, comedy, and that other category (the one with tentacles and other interesting visuals). The great part about a scene that’s so big is that outsiders like myself can’t even tell the difference. Once you take the red pill,  even security guards, janitors, and information booth attendants look like they are cosplaying!

Come as you are

Anime comes in all different forms. Artists embrace liberties to alter your notion of realism with elements like gravity defying hair, disproportionate female measurements, vibrant eye colors, vampire fangs,  giant impractical weapons… just search youtube for clips and you’ll get the point. Humans, in contrast, are pretty boring. We come in a few sizes and colors and that’s it. The key part of making a great cosplay outfit is really ignoring any of your limitations. Disregard differences in height, weight, skin tone, age, sex, cup size (In fact, NEVER get implants for any reason. It will just look even more silly if you are cosplaying), ethnicity, and MOST of all, don’t be discouraged to cosplay if you have braces. Regarding age, it actually seems the younger you are, the more drive you have at making an awesome costume. I was totally blown away discovering that high school students were making such detailed, professional looking costumes. Maybe there’s a connection between growing up and losing a connection with dreaming.

You don’t need THAT much time to make your costume

Some of THE best costumes/makeup I saw were done by fans that claimed the time they spent was only days. Don’t listen to what Hollywood tells you. All the required materials can be found at your local Michaels/Home Depot! The most important ingredient in your costume is sheer determination. If that means calling sick from your H&M part time job or missing a day of class to complete your costume, it will be worth it. Honestly though, some costumes obviously require more time than others. I met one fellow who cosplayed a Space Marine Scout who spent two months making his awesome costume. It definitely turned heads. On the flip side, the most affordable costumes I saw included a simple inkjet print and some tape to cover your face (I’m looking at you Mr. Trollface)

Mashups = fun!

My biggest takeway from the Anime Expo was discovering the Pokemen. That’s not a typo! I’m talking about the fit Asian guys who wear bright colors, suspenders, and wafer sunglasses. Who says you can’t add your own twist on a series.

Mobility is inversely related to costume appeal

Let’s face it: there are a lot of guys into photography, and what do guys LOVE? Duh! Girls cosplaying. This is Los Angeles. Fashion is always evolving. We’ve seen attractive people in those same outfits our favorite celebrities rock. But the Anime Expo is like an alternate fashion show for outfits that will never make it to retailers. So if we see fantasy become reality, we are most certainly obligated to document it. If you’ve invested enough time and resources into your costume, chances are people will stop you to take pictures and this is how that goes:

Me: “Awesome work! Mind if I take a picture?”

Fan: “Sure”

Me: “Great… 1 sec”

(30 seconds to pull out phone from pocket and switch to camera mode or 1 minutes to put down backpack and take out camera out)

Me: “Cool! 1 sec”

(5 shots quickly taken that all look identical)

Me: “Oh shoot! I had it on the wrong setting. Can I redo those shots?”

Just remember: that exact scene will happen with multiple people all starting at different times. Looking for the most popular person on the floor? Just stand still and look for the person with the biggest crowd around him/her looking around in all angles in confusion trying to figure out which camera to pose for.

Sorry ladies. The ratio of topless guys with 6-packs to pretty girls in costume is roughly 0:(pretty girls in costume)

Have fun

Trolling is not allowed! If you think there’s any costume that you can’t do, you’re doing it wrong! One of my favorites was a mid twenties red-head guy who cosplayed Misty from Pokemon. Check out the video after the break for some Q & A with cosplay fans.